Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Rephrase and Revise Example - Economic Development Paragraph

Revision is an important part of the writing process, if you want your writing to receive a higher grade. Rephrasing unclear and unpersuasive sentences is part of revising. After you’ve written an essay, make sure you go over the whole essay again to make improvements such as tweaking your unclear and weak sentences to make them clearer and more persuasive. Doing this may pull your grade up as much as ten points, depending on how well you do it.

The following is a sample paragraph from a student’s letter and how she improved the paragraph.

Original Paragraph
I understand that you want to improve economic development of some Brooklyn neighborhoods. One proposal is to offer support for more people to begin small businesses. Another proposal is to give college scholarship to students who want to major in business. Both of these ideas sound good, but I hope you will choose to college scholarships.

Revised Paragraph
I understand that you want to improve the economic development of Brooklyn and that there is enough funding for only one of two programs on the table. Out of the two programs proposed, I urge you to fund the program offering scholarships to students majoring in business. The other program, to provide support for small businesses, would not be as effective in improving economic development in Brooklyn.

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Keywords: TOEFL, ESL exercises, English, rephrasing, revisiing an essay, CUNY, Kingsborough, Hunter, Baruch, CCNY, Queensborough, Brooklyn College, BMCC, writing, revising, paragraph

1 comment:

Jane Rose said...

Writing is the key to your success in college and at a job. You should not just think of writing as a chore, but a process to convey your thoughts, ideas and visions. Before you even pick up a pen or sit at a keyboard you should try and develop a voice for your paper. rewording generator